acid tongue

"Dearest Friends,

If you are reading this, it means I have passed on. I have instructed my attorney Richard (last name withheld), to distribute this notice to a select number of friends/business associates who I was close with. If this doesn’t get distributed then fuck you Richard. If one of you could get in touch with Dr. (name withheld) in Croatia, I would appreciate it. He and I have lost touch over the years, in part due to our unfortunate falling out over the location of Vlad the Impaler's final resting place (you were right my friend). I would like for him to know that I didn't take what happened that summer in 2002 personally, and that I leave all remaining iron, urine samples and minerals to him. (He'll know what I'm talking about.) I hereby offer all control over C.O.U. to be shared between Reginald (last name withheld), Alphonse (last name withheld), and Walter (last name withheld). All supplies, materials, documents, ect, are now theirs, to be used however they see fit. Bickering over certain items (I'm looking at you, Reggie and Alphonse) will not be tolerated, even in the even of any paintball outings. I can only hope that they are able to carry on the good name of the C.O.U. community and continue to strive to meet the goals of the organization. The truth must be uncovered. To George Noory of Coast to Coast AM, for whom I have only scorn and ridicule for, I desperately beg you to abandon your close-minded ways. Your lack of acceptance for what you cannot understand limits you more than you’ll ever know. To Homeless Ned, I leave my collection of fabrege eggs, any remaining dry socks, and whatever money I had left stored in the cracks of the wall next to the adult video shop we talked about that he used to work at. It's been an interesting life, my friends, one full of action, travel, adventure, drinking, questionable scientific results, and most of all, one of sexual discovery. I can only hope that my death will have been the result of seeking for deeper truths and daring to ask, "What if..." I look forward to being reunited with my deceased parents, and my cousins, who both spontaneously combusted mysteriously within weeks of each other. It will be wonderful to hear your secrets. Not least of all, I also look forward to meeting all of you, my friends and allies, in the afterlife (hopefully not too soon, for your sakes, LOL!) and continuing our search for the non-existent.

I WILL HAUNT YOU ALL. Eternally yours,
(Real name withheld) aka Tastycakes~~~*"